i took a break in november 05
nothing in june 06
too busy in september 06
december was busy, too
february? forget about it
got lazy in may
s o m a t u r e
i can be a hard nut to crack, sometimes.
usually, that's the way i prefer it.
but when i can't figure out what my own deal is about things...that's just annoying! :)
looking forward to an epic weekend as we celebrate my 1/3 life crisis in style. tomorrow morning, travis and i have a tentative date to go sit on motorcycles. and by tomorrow afternoon, we'll begin receiving guests for my birthday prom.
it should be a special weekend!
camilles (3:47pm, 5.30.08)
o h , t o t a l l y
i'm not going to say that juno was the most amazing movie that i have ever seen, but there was a part where she talks about how the cool guy at the school who picks on her, actually likes her:
secretly wants me. Jocks like him
always want freaky girls. Girls with
horn-rimmed glasses and vegan
footwear and Goth makeup. Girls who
play the cello and wear Converse All-
Stars and want to be children's
librarians when the grow up. Oh
yeah, jocks eat that sh*t up.
They just won't admit it, because
jeff and i were talking about "cool guys" (which are very different from guys who are cool) over dinner, and we kind of wondered if cool guys ever completely grow out of it.
i don't know if i could have classified myself as a freaky girl back in junior high/high school, but i definitely wasn't the type of girl that cool guys would be clamoring to hang out with. every once in a while, if nobody else was around or watching, a cool guy would talk to me like a normal person...and even though by 10th grade i was looking fairly normal and cute, the horrors of the previous 5 years of supreme dorkiness were engrained in me, and since i was so painfully shy, i'm sure i turned red and had nothing to say.
by the time i got to college, i think i kind of started to get comfortable being a little bit different. and now as i'm steaming full speed ahead towards technical adultdom, i've fully embraced the fact that there is only one of me.
everyone should be a little bit intriguing, and should be proud of the fact that they are.
camilles (8:35pm, 5.27.08)
l e t t i n g g o
look how short my hair is! i'm still getting used to it, and it's almost too punk rock for me. i think in a few more days, i will have grown into it.
my 30th bday is in a week, and would you believe that as i typed that, a slight panic washed through my stomach? it's not that i'm scared to turn 30. it's just that in some ways, i feel like there is no way i know enough about life or the ways of the world to be 30.
the past several months have been chaotic and full of turmoil for me, and for my family, and for some of my friends. it seems like since the beginning of the year, i've just been struggling against a varied current of emotional challenges coming from all directions. when you add in all the travel i've been doing, it all equals one kind of not-so-self-confident me.
this mood will pass. all the crazy things that have been going on over the past several months just kind of got me down, all at once. i don't really care to share the specifics, because those of you who know me in real life already know what the deal is for the most part.
so i'm just going to let it go. take a deep breath and let it go, because it does me no good to hang onto it.
but in other news, we've had a really good weekend so far. making guinness ice cream. chores. shopping for decorations. eating. patrick's. sunday night jam session. too bad the weather is so crummy.
and finally...CONGRATS TO L & P on their engagement!!!!
camilles (1:39pm, 5.26.08)
l o o k i n g a h e a d
so right now, it's kind of like venturing on along the road of life, even though a giant volcano decided to send a flow of hot lava right across in front of you.
i suppose it's all part of the normal ups and downs we all experience. what fun would it be if you got all comfortable and knew what to expect every time you got up in the morning?
the situation that made me cry on monday is final. i don't think it's fair, but sometimes things happen that just don't make a lot of sense. i've come to the conclusion that the illogicalness of it is what has frustrated me so much.
but everything will be ok for everyone...at least in most ways. i still have my questions about how things will change, but i guess great friendships never really die.
so that's that.
other things i'm looking ahead to?
venturing along a road, specifically one that a giant volcano decided to send a flow of hot lava right across. :)
jeff and i are booked for a 10-day trip to hawaii when september rolls around! that will be something delightful to look forward to.
in the immediate future, we've got my 30th birthday coming up. which should be a blast.
camilles (9:33pm, 5.15.08)
every once in a while, something happens that is completely out of your control, and all you want to do is cry.
so i cried this evening.
but i don't really feel better.
anyone who knows me would probably tell you that i rarely express much deep, meaningful emotion about much. sure, on the superficial level. i laugh when things are funny and complain when things are crummy. but i don't really open up much about the things that make me the happiest, or the things that hurt me the most.
when our first goldfish died when i was, like, 5 or something, i was devastated. i cried so much, and then i realized, even at that very early age, that if i didn't get too attached to pets ever again, then i wouldn't have to feel bad like that again.
and this is not really a good thing, but in a way, this is how i am with people, too. don't get me wrong...i've got plenty of good friends. but i'm not friends with everyone. and definitely not friends with anybody right away. so the times that i make a connection and actually open up to somebody are few and far between.
so...i guess i'm suffering from dead goldfish syndrome.
except he's not a dead goldfish. and i am much more attached at almost-30 to the not-dead-not-goldfish than i was at 5 to the dead goldfish.
which means that i'm infinitely sadder.
not just for myself. for a bunch of different reasons. it just hurts, because i care.
i'm going to go snuggle my husband and try to feel better.
camilles (9:16pm, 5.12.08)
a l w a y s s o m e t h i n g n e w
while i was bummed to be out of town again last week, i generally make a point of doing as many new things as i possibly can while i'm on the road.
new things that i experienced while in tennessee:
and in other news, team porcubimmer witnessed sadness and some disappointment at the 24 hours of lemons race this weekend. not too many places have reported it, but there was a death on the tracks on saturday afternoon, the cause of which is still under investigation (police didn't find anything wrong with the car). the porcubimmer was in the pits at the time, thanks to some mechanical issues.
in spite of this tragedy, everyone was back again this morning to try to enjoy the rest of the event. the porcubimmer guys made the necessary repairs for a triumphant return to the track, only to get crashed into right away, taking out the transmission. on the bright side, the team won the "i got screwed" award, for having put so much effort into getting going again, only to be taken out of the race for good immediately after.
they obviously made an impression on the organizers, which was nice because they have all worked really hard on this project over the last several months. hopefully they will get a chance to get out there and do it again later this year.
last, but not least...HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!!
camilles (9:55pm, 5.11.08)
i started off my month of april entries in pretty much the exact same place as i'm starting may. sitting in the same hotel in franklin, tn, preparing for who knows what with who knows who.
my jet-setting ways seem to impress some people, and when i'm in the proper mood, they impress me, as well.
i'm tired of traveling. i miss being home. i miss my friends.
camilles (9:48pm, 5.5.08)