i'm a very careful person.

i don't have trouble making decisions, but i do have a tendency to run through every possible outcome of every option before i go ahead and do something.

most of the time.

but every once in a while, i'll see something, and just know that it belongs in my life.

take this lovely piece of art, for example. it is the devil, sitting at a bar, with a lampshade on his head. WHY i knew i had to have it as soon as i saw it, i can't say. but it was just a feeling that we had to have it.

or my motorcycle. when i first started looking at my options, the triumph bonneville came up very early on, and i knew i had to have one. i even bought the very first one i test rode.

i kind of had the same feeling about hawaii, the first time we landed in kona and walked out into the open air terminal.

and when i met l in summer school in 1992.

the first time i took an art class in college.

instinct is a really hard thing to argue with, because it's almost always right.

camilles (5:35pm, 1.28.09)

do you believe in the idea of a kindred spirit?

i think i first heard of such a thing when i was watching the anne of green gables miniseries back in the 80s. a kindred spirit is someone who is different than just a friend.

according to wikipedia, Kindred spirit is a term for someone who shares similar thoughts, feelings, someone who is close in temperament and nature to yourself, to whom you have a rare spiritual link that is very special and you can't quite explain.

i definitely believe they exist.

i also believe that they can make really crappy friends.

last month, i broke up with a kindred spirit. the secret friendship i had alluded to previously was weighing too heavily on my conscience, and i knew that it was time to make a change.

i've gone through all the stages of grief that one goes through when they lose someone they care about: denial, anger, bargaining, depression...and now acceptance. at least, acceptance as well as i think i'm capable of. it's been really hard, because in all of my logical solution searching, i keep coming up empty for a good answer as to why things have to be the way they are.

when my thoughts have drifted to this situation, i can see why a spouse could be jealous of a relationship that seems out-of-the-ordinary. and i can also see why in spite of that, a kindred spirit is a rare thing, and when you find one, you want to hang onto it.

this certainly wasn't a love affair, but as much as i wished that i could hold onto that connection, the complications and stress of knowing that there was a cloud of forbiddeness floating over heads every time we met, my compassion for a person i hardly know got the best of me.

that is where the crappy friends thing comes in. my friend was not a bad friend. he was just in a crummy position, and although he did his best to ignore it, it was like an elephant in the room for me.

jeff has told me for months that i wasn't weird to feel so weird. and even now, he tells me he thinks it's stupid we can't hang out. i agree. it's stupid, but it's just the way things are.

but having the time to sort through why i've felt so conflicted has been helpful, and i have a fresh perspective on things. i'm not upset at anybody, really. i understand...i guess.

camilles (6:20pm, 1.27.09)

was there any doubt that i'd instantly fall in love?

what a sweetie!

obviously, i'm home. thank goodness. the relief of knowing i'm done with the traveling season for work is sinking in, and i'm starting to contemplate where i want to travel for fun, for a change.

the trip went well. i didn't scare the new guy, even though i dragged him to dinner with my sisters one night, and out with tino another night. i figure it's good bonding time.

camilles (4:44pm, 1.25.09)

the biggest bummer about being on this business trip was missing the arrival of the first baby among my closest group of friends.

but it's ok. i won the dollar baby pool. :) my prediction was the 19th, but he was born on the 20th. i was still the closest without going over.

welcome to the outside world, baby boy!! you made your mom's pregnancy look sooooo easy.

jeff was able to go for a visit last night, and he sent me a few pictures. what a cutie. i'm really looking forward to getting home so i can fall in love in person.

additionally...happy birthday, trista!!

camilles (6:40pm, 1.21.09)

for the first time in four years, i've ended up on the airport view side of the hotel.

my cold is in the fuzzy-head, not-thinking-clearly mode.

i'm going to climb into bed, and try not to miss all the people i'm missing at the moment.

camilles (10:18pm, 1.19.09)

we celebrated l's 30th bday at disneyland yesterday. we bought annual passes, had lunch at the blue bayou, drank beers at california adventures, and spent the night in a hotel i got for free thanks to all the points i've saved up from business travel.

we ended up spending all day between the 2 parks, and thanks to some good planning and the special fast passes that l got for her birthday, we didn't really have to wait in any long lines.

i was humored by the message someone left on the hood of our autopia car.

it was an excellent trip. the people watching was outstanding, and if it hadn't been for how tired we were, we would have taken in some of the shenanigans that were going on in our hotel last night...the hotel that happened to be hosting a billion people from the music industry for a convention.

i've just finished packing for a business trip. i leave in the morning, and i feel like i'm coming down with a cold.

balls.

this trip had been one of my favorites in the past, but this is a new era with a new coworker, and for the first time ever, i'll be the one who knows the most about what we are supposed to be talking about.

yikes. we'll see how that goes.

camilles (10:28pm, 1.18.09)

i bet you didn't know...

• that i wear a flower in my hair almost every single day
• that i'm 5'5.5"
• that edward gorey is my favorite illustrator
• that i cover my ears and close my eyes when something scary is about to happen in a movie
• that i hate sour beer
• that i used to collect watches
• that i didn't have a boyfriend until i was 19
• that i can sing an instrumental version of the entire mexican national anthem
• that i'm a good cook
• that i don't really like peanuts
• that i am an excellent multi-tasker
• that most people are under the impression that i like them, when secretly, i don't

camilles (5:53pm, 1.14.09)

what did you get from your sweetie for christmas?

i got art.

specifically, art commissioned just for me, inspired by me, produced by the artist who gave me my plum blossom tattoo!

what an absolutely amazing gift.

jeff got an iphone for christmas. he is enamored by it, and has brought it to bed almost every single night. :)

we met with our financial advisor tonight, and got some things straightened out. we have some fairly huge plans for the very near future, and are just making sure everything we can get in order is in order for it.

note: no. i'm not pregnant.

the drinking, motorcycle riding, and general rabble-rousing is destined to continue, at least for a little while.

but you can bet that even when i do baby up, i'll still be one of the coolest chicks you've ever been lucky enough to know!

camilles (10:06pm, 1.13.09)

l's 30th birthday is coming up, and although we'll be going to disneyland on the actual DAY, her sweetie decided to throw her a surprise party.

and what better way to celebrate a 30th birthday party than to beat up on a piņata?

it was a lot more fun than anybody was anticipating, and we agreed that piņatas need to make future appearances at our birthday parties.

i distinctly remember going to l's 15th birthday party. it was a how to host a murder party, and i think i ended up being a guy character because there weren't enough boys. it was a heck of a fun evening, and i remember being a little bummed when it was time to go home.

and then, at 4:30am, my family and i were all making a run into the hallway. northridge earthquake!

but yeah. if that was 15 years ago, that means that l and i have officially been friends for over half our lifetimes. there are a lot of things in life that i wouldn't have been able to predict where going to end up being the way they are. especially not living closer to my oldest, best friend as an adult than i did as a kid.

that's pretty cool.

tonight was another momentous occasion. i cut jeff's hair for the first time ever. it came out looking decent. decent and free = awesome.

camilles (9:30pm, 1.12.09)

for any of you fellow san diegans...how AWESOME was the weather this weekend?

we took a top-off-the-jeep excursion to point loma seafoods for lunch yesterday. today i had to pull the liner back out of my warm weather motorcycle jacket for a solo ride out to smell some ocean air. (i was wearing my cold weather leather jacket just one week ago!)

i was a swap meeting, grocery shopping, laundry doing, motorcyle riding machine today. jeff met up with the boys for a belated man-version of a baby shower after the swap meet aka, bar hopping, so i was on my own to do as many chores as i could squeeze into a few hours before i met up with the girls for what was likely our last girls dinner before the arrival of baby.

we are going to be super busy in the coming weeks, so it was nice to have a little free time to kind of get caught up on some of the around-the-house stuff that needed attention.

things are actually, really pretty good. looking up in various different ways for me and my loved ones.

every day that goes by, i'm having an easier time accepting that there are just some things in life that in spite of me wishing they could be different, can't be and may never be different. when i can see what seems like a million angles to every problem, sometimes it's a little difficult to just make peace with the things i have no control over.

problems like not being able to decide who is worse? billy mays or the sham-wow/slap chop guy?

why bother analyzing whose voice is more annoying or which products seem to be cheesier? instead...i'll just accept that they are both bad, and we are probably doomed to an infinite amount of exposure to both guys in the years to come.

ha!

camilles (9:01pm, 1.11.09)

leaving a party one evening, as we made the rounds to say goodbye to old friends and new friends, i got caught up in an extended farewell with a gentleman i had only met a few hours earlier. he hugged me, and kissed me on the cheek, and told me what a pleasure it had been to finally meet me.

he proceeded to give me the full once over, TWO TIMES, and exclaimed, "wow. you are just SO beautiful. really. you are a very attractive girl. jeff is a very lucky man. very lucky."

to which i said "thank you!" (of course) and as i tried to get away he kept on about how lucky jeff is and trailed over to him and patted him on the arm and said, "you are a very lucky guy," all while smiling at me.

at one point in the middle of all of that, i was wondering if i should feel creeped out, but instead, i just laughed to myself and graciously accepted the compliments.

honestly, i never considered myself capable of being beautiful.

cute, at most. i've got crazy hair and weird clothes and dimples in my big round cheeks when i smile for real. and when i smile for real, my gums show.

i think i'm nice. that i'm funny. i'm respectful and understanding, but know how to have a good time.

not hot, though. not beautiful.

but recently, i caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror, just briefly as i was rushing by...

and for a moment i vainly thought, "hmm...i AM beautiful."

beautiful inside and out.

camilles (8:44pm, 1.6.09)

we found ourselves out one night with a few locals during our time in chico. it was our chance to experience the social scene.

while we'd been making plans earlier in the day, the hipster we were in the company of declared that he only likes to go to duffy's. so we agreed we'd make a stop there sometime during the evening.

the first place we checked out was only slightly divey and totally sweet. it had big round padded tables, strong drinks, and we got to play dice. the hipster had never been there before, and made a point to interupt the fun by stating again that he only goes to duffy's. not only does he only go to duffy's, but he doesn't even ever leave downtown.

the next place we went to was very divey. one of our friends had been telling us a story about his run-in with the self proclaimed "skankiest overweight b***h in chico" he'd had there, so imagine our delight to walk in and see her sitting in the spot she's always in, patting the rears of every man she walked near, and eventually singing some very bad karaoke. again, totally sweet.

but the hipster was getting anxious.

so off to duffy's we went. it was alright. i mean, it wasn't bad, but after hearing about this place all night, i had high expectations. they had cheap beer and a back room with enough chairs for us to be able to sit. there wasn't much in the way of people watching...but the hipster was satisfied to finally be in his own bar.

the ONLY bar, in his mind.

where am i going with this?

well, it really got me thinking about something that a few of my friends back home and i had been talking about recently.

there are so many places to go and things to see and do in this world. why is it that somebody would be proud of the fact that he has absolutely no interest in stepping just outside the boundaries of his comfort zone to maybe try something different every once in a while?

now, before you go on thinking that i'm all high and mighty, trying to say that the only good thing is the new and different thing, consider this. there are a couple of places in my neighborhood, where i always order the exact same thing to eat. lamb pasties and mash at one place. grilled cheese at the other.

the difference, though, is we don't ALWAYS go there. sure, these places might be in the rotation, but it's not like you'd ever be able to know exactly where to find me just because it's a certain day of the week, and that's the only place i go on that particular night of the week.

l was saying that the closest she and t ever got to doing the same thing every week was eating italian food and watching the sopranos on sunday night...but even that didn't last very long.

in the tradition of trying new and different things, i built a rubberband-powered balsa wood plane yesterday.

we went into the street and tried flying it around a little bit. it crashed into a tree, and then into somebody's garage door. it was a hoot.

one of our neighbors drove by while i was straightening it out after a crash into a curb. he had a big smile on his face as he passed, and i wondered if the sight of a couple of 30-year-olds chasing a balsa wood airplane around was funny or refreshing?

the pending arrival of the first baby of our close little group of san diego friends has us all pondering what life has in store for us.

it's quite the thing to take in. here we are, in our 30s or soon-to-be 30s, enjoying the time we spend together. drinking beer. climbing around in bushes. driving around in dirt. throwing themed costume parties. building obscene snow structures.

at the same time, we are all successful professionals, doing things like hiring financial advisors, putting money aside for our non-existent childrens' college funds, buying new cars, owning houses, relandscaping, and even having children.

we are grownups and we aren't. i just hope that we can continue the balance in spite of the major life changes we have ahead of us.

the day that taking pictures of ourselves jumping "anchorman" style in front of the bay bridge doesn't seem like a perfectly reasonable idea will be a sad day, indeed.

btw...i've loaded up a bunch of new pictures on the photos page. my birthday prom. jeff's birthday pirate party. our recent christmas roadtrip. enjoy!

camilles (8:42pm, 1.5.09)

helen, greg, and jeff all jump for joy!

and since i'm a loner, i'll jump for joy by myself.

yes, yes, everybody. oooooh! ahhhhhh!

don't be expecting anything high tech, like "categories" or real archiving. this is still lovingly and painstakingly (some may say stubbornly) maintained by hand, using good old notepad and whatever archaic version of HTML i've managed to retain in my brain over all these years.

but none of you come here to be dazzled by technology, right? rather, let me continue to dazzle you with my witty insights on life!

ok...those aren't particularly dazzling, either.

:)

happy 2009, everyone!

i hope the holidays were as pleasant for you as they were for me.

tomorrow will be my first day back to work after enjoying 12 whole days of sweet, sweet freedom. in those 12 days i saw family, friends, took a roadtrip with jeff and greg from glendora to san luis obispo to san francisco to chico to san francisco, got delayed in the airport, went to a fabulous 30th bday party in palm springs, slept in, ate lots and lots of good food, and even briefly rode my motorcycle along the coast.

not a bad way to end 2008 and start 2009.

there are all sorts of things i'll have to share in the coming days, including photos, i'm sure. but right now, i'm going to load all this stuff online and hope it works!

camilles (11:02pm, 1.4.09)